I think the saddest people always appear, or at least try to appear, the happiest because they have to remind themselves that there is still that part of them that exists — a part that lies buried beneath the weight of the debris that’s pulling them down.
Okay. Here’s a little background info about this because a little history lesson never hurt anyone.
This has been a long overdue post that me and my tumblr friends, Jess (scamae) & Jang (fluffyjang) — two people who I’m also very close friends with in real life — had planned to post in our blogs a long time ago, but never had the time to do so due to the increasing stress load of our course.
But lo and behold, now that one of us (me, myself, and I) has found just enough time to waste and a little more motivation to do it then I suppose I should start the ball rolling and just hope this carries on with my friends and inspire everyone else to do this.
This is meant to be a “30 random facts about yourself tag” so I’m sure the process is pretty understandable.
1. The first question people always ask me when they meet me for the first time is how I got my nickname. It confuses them as to why people preferably call me “Niño” when my nickname is not evidently present in my full name which is “Jose Miguel Escanuela.”
2. I got my nickname because I was born during a very famous festival in Cebu called Sinulog where people celebrate the birth of the child Jesus, who, in vernacular, is called “Sto. Niño.”
3. I’m very wordy as you can probably already point out by now and this is the asset I am most definitely proud of.
4. I will eat anything in a nutshell. Food is my fuel and I believe every restaurant is an open venture. I’m very adventurous in terms of food and I absolutely love teasing my tastebuds.
5. Saturday nights are my favorite time of the week. It is literally the middle of the weekend — the inbetween, if you must say — and I love spending this time in solitude watching movies and consuming every kind of snack I can find in the kitchen.
6. I had initially wanted to take up English Lit as a major for college, but my parents pleaded with me to take up anything else but that (they even resorted to bribery so I’d take the entrance exam of this other college) so I’m stuck studying Occupational Therapy.
7. Most of my close friends can vouch for this: I always end up being the last to almost everything. I’m the last one to finish eating, the last one to finish taking a shower, and the last one (or at least part of the last batch) to finish in taking exams.
8. I am generally a very “touchy” person. So please try to understand that I am not trying to molest you in any way by doing this, but just trying to satisfy my sensory needs.
9. I used to be in a choir in high school, but it was never anything serious. Me and my friends just wanted to join so we could be exempted from Scouting and CAT duties. In the end, our plan failed miserably.
10. To date, I have only had one relationship in the course of my existence. I would say we were young, clueless, and running in different directions. I couldn’t believe we actually lasted for a year and 3 months until we broke it off.
11. Since then, my relationship status has dwindled down the drain and I’ve been getting as much action as a rock on a deserted highway.
12. I competed in multiple spelling bees when I was in grade school and won in some of them. I consider this the most eventful time of my life.
13. I’ve been stuttering a lot lately.
14. There is no organization to my thoughts. My mind is just this clutter of ideas and whatnot and I’m just desperately grabbing at them for some relief.
15. I can’t put a finger on the exact word that can describe my high school life, but in essence, it is a process I am somehow willing to go through again.
16. Three facts in one number: I love the color green. I love the number 7. I’m a Capricorn.
17. Biggest fear? Spiders. Greatest fear? Being alone in the world.
18. I love solving crossword puzzles. Call me a geek and maybe old-fashioned, but it’s a fun way of learning about new words and it relaxes me. Solving crosswords over the holidays with my grandpa is the best tradition I will forever cherish.
19. I’m not the most “macho” (for lack of a better word) man you will ever meet, but my losses outweigh my gains. I’ve somehow come to the belief that being a gentle lover will always be better than being a rough fighter.
20. I have an obsesive-compulsive streak in my personality — a trait I may have acquired from my mother. To contextualize this, I have this unhealthy need to fix grammatical errors.
21. I’m lazy and I procrastinate when every opportunity arises, but the biggest mystery is that I somehow get my work done whenever it’s due.
22. There was a rough time in high school when I went through a “Jeje-phase” (as how me and my friends usually dub it). All my messages used to come out looking like this: “hElLo tHeRe!” I’m still in denial, but I have led myself to believe that we’ve all gone through this phase. Yup, we’ve all gone through this phase.
23. My daily mantra is: I will try to be a better person today. Of course, the keyword here is 'try.'
24. I could never stomach multiple doses of caffeine, but if it gets me through my course unscathed then it’s good enough for me!
25. I am an avid reader. I love reading and, above all, I love books! My mother once told me I used to love reading as a child so much that I would read everything including the list of ingredients and nutritional facts listed on various products in the supermarket.
26. With the last fact in mind, I guess you can say I’m the least athletic person you will ever meet. My sporting skills are just laughable.
27. I once challenged myself to go to the gym. It only lasted for a month because halfway through the end of one of my sessions, my nose started to bleed and it scared me enough to quit. It was probably my body’s way of reminding me of my ineptitude and telling me that the gym is definitely not a place for me. But maybe someday I’ll return and prove to myself that I can.
28. Sarcasm is my natural response to everything, especially adverse situations.
29. I’m living a life filled with delicious irony.
And last but not the least….
30. I love reading facts so I’d like to see you do this and pass it on so we can all learn a little more about ourselves and others! :-)
Do you ever just get so absorbed with a character from a story you’re reading that they slowly become a part of you?
Every pain, every memory, every detail of their existence creeps into your skin and melts into your very being until there is no clear distinction between you and the character anymore. You become the character and the character becomes you.
I’ve found that the best kinds of stories are the ones that leave you so emotionally breathless that by the end of it you feel like a part of you has left with the last sentence that hangs at the end of the final chapter.
Maybe that emptiness you feel after you finish every story is the piece of the character unhinging themselves from you and returning to the pages they were born in, forever made to live (and relive) certain lives and inspiring readers to believe that they too were leading the same kinds of lives as those of the characters in the stories they were reading.
Maybe there’s a parallel universe where I win and fate works in my favor so that I’m right next to you and we’re fastened in a tight embrace and we’re lying on the shore where the waves brush our feet and we break into unbridled laughter every time the water crashes into our skin because it feels warm and comforting like some deity of the sea is purposefully trying to lure us into a foamy hug and with every ebb of the tide our worries become less and less existent until the fears get replaced with peace and content and joy and after the sun sets into the horizon you dip your face closer into mine so that our foreheads touch and it brings so much energy into my veins and we just stare at each other for hours until we’re shrouded by a blanket of stars illuminating everything around us and then you look up and I look up and we take in the splendor of the stellar display before us and consider all the possibilities of the existence of parallel universes living parallel lives out there the way we are.
We have a new professor for this semester who recently came in from the States. We’ve only been two weeks into his classes and I must say we’ve already learned quite a lot of things from him than we have from reading a semester’s worth of notes, handouts, and undiscussed book chapters. Maybe it’s because he has this unorthodox way of teaching — he makes the students experience the lesson. And I admire him for that. It takes an abundant load of creative juices to twist up an uninspired, confused, disheartened class and to make them believe in something that they already considered a “lost cause”
On top of being time-oriented, having enjoyable class discussions, and motivating us, he pushes us to go beyond boundaries and think outside the box because he believes that’s what we should always do as Occupational Therapists — think and consider all options equally. It’s this quality of his that makes me, and the rest of the class, more open to the possibility of becoming equipped enough for our careers ahead and for the impending internship year that lies just beyond this semester.
I think I speak on behalf of my classmates when I say I look up to him because he makes us understand what it is we are working towards becoming. And maybe in a way, he has touched us (in no malicious and literal way of course) because it’s as if he has united our heads as a class and made us say in complete unison, “He’s a keeper.”
“You are enough.
Paint it on your mirrors,
on the back of your eyelids,
drown it in your stomach,
sing it in every word you say.
You are never too much.
Eat your food,
sleep eight hours,
walk like you love yourself.
You are enough.
Say it in your sleep,
mantras to carry you through your day.
There is never enough of you.
You are a thirst that is never quenched.
I crave you when you’re away.
I love every piece of you.
But I cannot make you love yourself.”—Michelle K., You Are Enough. (via michellekpoems)
Most people consider change as our greatest adversary in life. We shy away from it, making ourselves numb to even the slightest signal signifying its occurrence. But what we often fail to acknowledge is that change is such a big part of us, we can never shrug it off that easily because it happens on a day-to-day basis. From the moment we wake up to the point where we shut our eyes and drift off to sleep, every aspect of us undergoes a variety of changes. With every moment that passes, we gain and we lose parts of ourselves in daily contexts.
Most times, change occurs naturally like how our hair & nails grow longer, or how our bones lengthen allowing an increase in height, or how our skin’s layers reorganize their structure daily. Oftentimes, change is mediated and circumstance-based like how we alter our mood to fit a specific situation or how we automatically shift between personalities in order to measure up to the expectations of a certain population of people.
Change becomes such an overwhelming process that sometimes metamorphosis becomes an understatement and that’s why we’re afraid of it. We are so threatened and overcome by a force that we feel we have no control over because it is innately driven to affect us in every way possible — no matter how biologically small or how monumentally life-altering that impact could be. But that’s where we’re wrong. Change is inevitable and scary, but it is also a becoming factor within us like a suit that fits us perfectly. We can never hinder it or gain full control over the process, but we can control our response towards it and by doing so we are promoting good change and personal growth.
Mahatma Ganhi once said, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” He openly expressed that change is good only if we embrace it, mold ourselves to promote that good change and then let it do its magical wonder in our lives.
Change defines us and is the very foundation of our character. Our fear is only momentary. Change may wax and wane, but it never passes out of existence because it is within us, which is good because, with that, there is a chance to grow and be a better person. There is nothing to fear.
You can actually tell and feel when you’re starting to fade away from someone. The conversations get shorter, they get less meaningful, less exciting. You can feel the wall that’s coming up between you two. And then in the end, you’re back to being strangers.
First off, I’d like to apologize for my lackluster performance in running this blog.
I’ve been trying my hardest to find good things to blog about, but to no avail. I, instead, have a messy draft littered with sub-par writings about foggy perspectives that don’t even make sense to me anymore.
As much as I’d like to blame my life and everything around me for not being so interesting and blogworthy, the real culprit to be blamed here would be me.
I don’t even know what’s truly been going on with me lately. I’ve constantly been finding myself crammed up in that dark place again — a place full of loathing, dejection, hopelessness, and inadequacy. It’s pretty ‘emo’ but yeah.
It’s really frustrating to know that I use the word “I” or “it” a lot when I start my sentences and I don’t fucking know why I keep doing that. It seriously infuriates me because it clearly displays how terrible I am in sentence constructions and starting things.
So anyway, my dad just got a new iPhone. It brings me such pride to know that he’s learning to use and explore the gadget all by himself….
…and then he suddenly comes up to me and asks me how to go on Instagram. (yikes)
We’re only one month away from semestral break or — as how I’d like to call it — “semmer break” and that alone is motivation enough for me to do well in order to enjoy that sweet smell of freedom.
BUT THERE’S JUST SO MUCH CATCHING UP TO DO AND SO LITTLE TIME HOW DO I EVEN ASDFGHJKL
On the brighter side of things, I’ve just acquired a newfound respect for PB&J sandwiches. I’ve definitely found it to be my go-to comfort food for times when I’m feeling down.
I once read somewhere that being able to write is being able to convey one’s authentic voice and nothing less. That being said, the writer is at his best when he is writing with his heart and soul, and not simply with his brain and hands.
I’ve decided to write about writing because I believe writing is one of our simple pleasures in life. Everyone has a voice and while I believe that voice can be expressed by vibrating the hollow structure that lies just anterior to the throat, it must also be a highly recognized fact that utilizing the heart and the soul in wielding the mighty pen and paper is also a great way to express our voice.
It’s wonderful that everyone has a chance at writing, but at the same time it’s a bit disappointing that most people would overlook this beautiful opportunity. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t one of those people who disregarded writing and automatically labelled it as a “geeky, outdated, and boring pursuit.” I see now that writing is so much more than that. Writing takes you to places you’ve never been to before, to adventures you’ve only ever imagined. Writing is a way to dissociate from reality and maybe at the same time it serves as your only link to what’s real. Writing, as from what I’ve recently read, is as close to magic as you’ll ever get.
Writers have different points of view on a very wide array of topics that could range from either love to death, joy to sorrow, or hardships to success. I may not be as well-versed a writer as Ernest Hemingway or Charles Dickens, but I am just as valiant because I chose to let myself be heard through my words. Writing may seem tough at first, but once you start there’s just no telling when you’ll stop. Everything just comes naturally and easily like breathing or walking with your feet or peeing.
It’s a well-known fact that people use up only about 10% of their brain juice on a day-to-day basis so why should we waste it on much trivial pursuits such as flipping TV channels endlessly or mindlessly staring at a monitor for hours? That’s why I highly encourage you to flip open a journal (or a simple notebook or a piece of paper), uncap your pen, and hone your writing skills. You have a voice, the world is your palette, and you most certainly deserve to be heard. You never know, maybe someday soon you’ll be publishing a well-written article about your own POV on writing and how it has strikingly changed your whole outlook on life.
the most awful thing is showing a friend something you found hilarious and you eagerly watch for their reaction but their face remains neutral and all of the humour evaporates and it suddenly loses all its appeal but you have to choose between admitting defeat and muttering that it wasn’t as great as you remembered, or grimly dragging it out hoping they’ll start to see the funny side.
What I love most about being in Cebu is the fact that I get to spend Sinulog in this beautiful city. For those of you who don’t know, Sinulog is a yearly celebration held every third Sunday of January in honor of Señor Sto. Niño or the Most Holy Child Jesus. Streetparties, really loud chanting, and myriads of people rushing back and forth in the streets making commuting barely possible are just a few of the perks that make up Sinulog. It’s a pretty grand celebration and it’s a huge part of who we are as Cebuanos.
For me, the days leading up to the Sinulog festival are what make up the pinnacle of the celebration. Every day, for 9 days, a novena mass is held in the Basilica where a huge number of devotees gather in honor of the Sr. Sto. Niño, rain or shine. They say if you complete the 9 days of novena, then your intentions will be granted, but it’s so much more than that. I realize now that most people attend the novena without thinking about what they will get out of it, but because it’s a way for them to express their love for the Most Holy Child Jesus.
There’s a part in the mass that really gets me — the part where everyone sings the “Gozos” or the Batubalani song while waving their arms high up in the air. It’s so heartwarming to see how much everyone’s faith is expressed when they sing the song. It warms my heart even more to know that my love for the Sr. Sto. Niño is shared with a million other devotees and with the rest of the Cebuano people. It’s when I attend the novena mass that I feel the whole Cebuano nation’s love for the Infant Jesus and it’s during this time that I realize how much the Infant Jesus loves our nation too by blessing us with His presence and by making us one in His celebration.
I just realized I’m too incompetent to be in a relationship or, in general, to be in love.
Like, part of the reason why I barely even survived the last one is because I was — am still, and will probably always be — an awkward whale in everything I do, relationships being a part of the “everything” that I am pertaining to.
And it confuses me a lot because love is supposed to come naturally. It’s supposed to be the easiest, most uncalculated thing in the entire world, and yet to me it feels like such an enigma. To quote one of my most favorite British pop rock band, “(Love is) a simple equation with no complications to leave me confused.” But even after having gone through one relationship and multiple, abrupt bouts of falling in and out of it, love, to me, still feels like walking through uncharted territory.
People most often point out that when you’re in love, things easily fall into place — you know when you’re supposed to hold each other’s hands, you know when your first kiss should occur, and you know how to react towards the different feelings that will inevitably come your way. Everything is timed perfectly and every moment feels like it could not go horribly wrong. I feel like these are just basic things you’re supposed to know… right?
Maybe it’s because I’ve always thought that love occurs in a systematic way. You meet a person. If the universe permits it, then a trumpet sounds off in the distance, bells chime, a glowing light bulb appears at the top of that person’s head, and you immediately know that that person is the one. Both of you run off into the horizon, where it is presumed that you both live happily ever after…
…and then the credits roll.
But that, of course, is the stuff that movies are made of, and apparently, I don’t live in a world where everything is controlled by scripts, directors, producers, and whatnot. I live in a world where everything seems hazy and unclear from where I’m standing and I make my own decisions to progress.
If you knew me, then you’d know that decision-making is not really my forte. I could think of a lot of things that I’m good at, but making choices just does not top my list.
I remember my first relationship and how akin to a confused child I must have been. I didn’t completely know how kisses worked, my jabs at being a sweet boyfriend failed miserably, and all our conversations ended with the awkward “okay”. I could never make up my mind as to what I was going to say and every choice I had to make had to be repeatedly analyzed in my head because I was regularly afraid that I might say something unpleasant or do something wrong and everything would just go downhill from there. The consequences always seemed to haunt me.
Maybe the reason why love seemed as enigmatic a concept to me as every other mathematical problem is because I tend to view it systematically, I over think these things a lot and this results to poor decision-making skills. And also because, well, I’m an awkward penguin.
I constantly ask myself (and the universe) if I will ever master the art of being in love. I know I haven’t been completely well-versed in the art, but I feel like there’s a lesson here that I’m bound to learn and apply soon, somehow. And when I do, I will eventually realize that I proved myself wrong and that love does come as naturally as breathing air.
Wow. It’s been far too long since I last updated my blog. It’s not that I’ve completely turned my back on Tumblr, but it’s just that school has eaten up most of my time. The last two months of school has been crazy and we’re not even halfway through the first term yet. I’m slowly losing my will to continue with my studies, but the thought of summer looming ahead is giving me enough motivation to carry on. We’re currently on our Christmas break so that probably means I’ll be able to give my undivided attention to this blog and all other non-school related matters such as taking long naps, binge eating, and reading books.
Anyhow, I’m leaving for our province tomorrow so that means I’ll be away from the internet for a few days. Ugh, the thought of spending the holidays in a non-commercialized area with no internet and phone signal is just too unbearable. Asdfasgafdgfdvhtfdburtdjt *insert annoyingly whiny noise here*
I’m kidding though!
Not to say that I’m too excited about leaving our home for the province, but I am kind of looking forward to seeing my grandparents once again and eating their delicious meals. I always feel nostalgic every time I spend the holidays or any other occasion at my grandparents’ house mainly because I’ve been so attached to the place ever since I was a little kid. I grew up watching VHS movies on our old television in the province and I spent a lot of relaxing siestas there. My grandparents’ house isn’t even that much homey. The floorboards creak, the mattresses and pillows smell of mothballs and accumulated dust, and there is an unsettling aura when you enter each room. It strikes me as odd that I would even think of missing that old, rusty shack every time we leave to go back home, but I constantly do miss it.
My parents think I’m doing them a huge favor by sacrificing my time here in the city to go to the province. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I am doing this more for myself than for them. I realize now that every once in a while we have to go back in order to move forward. Sometimes we think too much about the future that we lose ourselves in it. We focus so much on what’s ahead that we tend to lose sight of who we are and of what we’re actually working towards. To some, the past may be a set of completed chapters in everyone’s lives, but it’s just as important as the present and the future. The past made us who we are and every bit of it will lead us to who we are destined to be. The branches can only stretch so far as long as the roots are still healthily attended to and planted firmly on the ground.
As to why I added a picture of me and my close friends at our Christmas party to this post is pretty much clear enough — it’s simply because I’ll miss them over the holidays. This certainly does not mean that I won’t miss my other classmates who were not present in this picture. I don’t know if it’s because of the same shit we have to deal with everyday, but everyone has really become much closer this semester. I remember hearing our professor in Human Behavior tell us that we’re a cohesive batch and we’ve formed a strong bond. I don’t know if we’ve completely validated her words, but I can see now why she saw potential in our batch. It’s because even though we bicker and fight and make so much fuss about the smallest things, at the end of the day, we learn to make up and forgive each other. Maybe it’s because most of us have resigned to the fact that we will inevitably be stuck with each other until the very end, but I’m definitely sure about one thing — we have learned to strengthen the bond that hold us together, through thick and thin.
When the year resets itself and school comes back to torment us, we’ll see each other again and the usual rants about school and classes and our teachers will surely resurface, but until then I’ll keep them in my thoughts as I go about attending to my important, non-school related activities over the break.
So anyway, the whole point of this post was for me to wish you all a Happy Holidays, but my extensive talkativeness has gotten the best of me yet again.
I’d kill to have a British accent, even for just a day.
I generally consider myself a “socially awkward penguin” because I have poor interaction skills, and akin to a fully-functioning penguin, I can’t fly.
My love life is perfectly parallel to that of a barren wasteland heavily populated with tumbleweeds.
As if it isn’t already too evident, I’m wont to talk incessantly.
Besides food, books keep me going.
I’ve been to a bar about 5 times in my life and I’ve hated all the times I’ve been in one.
I have just recently developed a strange obsession for ‘sure clips’ which are basically just nail cutters that have magnifying glasses attached to them to ensure efficient use.
I backread my blog over and over again until I am absolutely confident that I haven’t violated any major grammar law.
I don’t think I can greatly emphasize how vehement my love for food is.
Sometimes I wish I could just marry food.
I loathe the Twilight Saga.
And yet tonight, as I watched part 2 of Breaking Dawn with my friends, I felt a hodgepodge of strong (and potentially positive) emotions well up within me.
I was overwhelmed with feelings of warmth and security for every time the screen showed a content Bella and Edward with their daughter, Renesmee, in their quaint cottage in the woods. My whole body tensed as the Cullens and the Volturri squared off with each other in the icy tundra. My heart broke as I saw some of the most loved characters plummet to their deaths and I cheered as I saw their enemies tremble with fear when they realized their hopelessness in the battle.
Never have I been so gripped by a movie that I found my inner feelings jumping back and forth within the wide emotional spectrum.
And this surprises me because the Twilight Saga has never really piqued my interest. I found it hard to stomach the thought of a sparkling vampire in a blossoming love affair with a human who displays a completely flat affect. I could not fully grasp the content of the story as I read and watched the first few segments of the saga because I was just so bothered by the strangeness of it all. Like, how can Edward go a day without breaking Bella’s neck with that constant blank emotion plastered on her face? And how do they actually have sex if vampires’ veins are bereft of blood, that which produces an erection for initiating coitus? There were points that didn’t make sense to me so I dumped it and considered the whole of it dull and pointless.
Little did I know that that comment would bite me in the ass four movies later.
I think the important variable that kept me so invested in the movie was the fact that I went into it with no apparent knowledge about most of the new characters and the recent updates in Bella and Edward’s relationship. Hell, I didn’t even know Edward and Bella had a baby until the screen showed a vivid flashback of the child’s birth. I had a hard time processing all the estranged information, but I managed to catch up midway through the movie.
The pinnacle of it all was most definitely the fight scene. While most of the people in the crowd were screaming their lungs out or bawling hard over their favorite characters’ deaths, I was mulling over how interesting each character was with their respective powers and abilities. Bella practically had this “I am so mighty and you can’t touch me” vibe going on when she displayed her useful ability to shield people from the enemy vampires’ abilities. She even had a bitch smirk to add to the flavor. In a way, I found it hilarious.
I won’t go into a detailed summary about the whole film because I’m sure there are still many others who have yet to see it and I surely don’t want to spoil them from the fun. Word of advice though: expect the unexpected. Take it from someone who didn’t expect to be so hung up on such a movie. *wink wink*
An expert from a mile away could have easily pointed out how foolish I was to approach you with the slightest hope that you would glance in my direction and make my day. Akin to a beaming goddess of some sort, a mere mortal such as myself would clearly not be worthy of your gaze, I thought — and yet, you looked.
I stood in awe at the beautiful sight that stood before me — two alluring brown eyes that complimented a comely pale face. Your chestnut hair cascaded down your shoulders and you mustered a sincere smile with your cherry lips. I was both amazed and stunned simply because a girl as beautiful as you looked at a guy like me, a guy whose measly appearance do not make up for his uncouth disposition. I must have been staring agape at your face for a good amount of time when you addressed me in your soft voice.
Quick say something smart, I thought to myself. First impressions do count after all.
"So you’re not from around here aren’t you?" I managed to say with a goofy expression plastered on my face.
"No," you simply replied in your melodic voice.
Then again, judging by how you were dressed in civilian clothes amid the sea of students all wearing complete uniforms, it was pretty clear that you were new and it was very oafish of me to ask that question. I feared that I might have come off as a simpleton to you, but your expression never wavered and it somehow reassured me, so I smiled back in content.
At an angle, you looked strikingly elegant under the light that lit our side of the hallway and I suddenly wondered if you liked Disney songs as much as I did. That could be the one thing we’d have in common, the tie that would instantly bind us together, the connection that would keep us in harmony like two well-tuned instruments playing perfectly in an orchestra together. It would be — for lack of a better word — our thing. Images of us jamming to Disney songs by the beach while the sun sank into the distant part of the ocean suddenly raced past my mind and I could not help but produce a shy giggle.
I must have sounded like some sort of asthmatic seal because you laughed. Oh God, even as you laugh you looked like a sweet cherub whose main mission is to tug on everyone’s heartstrings. And you do it so well, might I add because you have effortlessly nagged my affection by the simple things you just did.
I can’t vividly remember the last time I watched the sunset.
I might have had a short glimpse of it when I was a kid, but for a youngster who did not have much interest in anything other than high powered superheroes; funny talking animals; and toys, I might have casually considered it trivial and overlooked such a thing.
Yesterday, on my way home from school, I had once again caught a glimpse of the setting sun. I excitedly rolled down the window of our car and popped my head outside just to get a clearer view of the magnificent sight. Paired with a good song under the radiant tangerine sky, I don’t think I can perfectly express how marvelous everything was and how truly resplendent I was feeling.
I know I say this too much, but sometimes the universe can be pretty ironic. On some days, it easily raises our expectations by providing us with a lot of opportunities to excel, but on other days it gives us good enough reasons to believe that it is just a raging bitch dealing with hormonal problems.
Lately, I don’t think I have pointedly marveled at anything the cosmos has had to offer me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an easily enthused person, but with everything I’ve come to realize about the universe, I haven’t hesitated to look at most opportunities as life’s way of giving me false hope and cruelly toying with my feelings.
But looking at the sunset, I realized that no matter how messed-up life and the universe can both be, there is still reason to hope. Because even though your day might go horribly wrong and the people around you might not even seem to be quite sensitive on the matter, you should know that all of it is bound to end somehow. The sunset is a marker for what has been and for what is to come.
As I watched the sun sink slowly back into the horizon beyond the versicolored skies, I remember thinking that this must have been what Charlie had meant when he said “we were infinite” — basking in the pure goodness of life and feeling like it will never end.
These are just picked randomly: 46, 9, 12, 13, 17, 22, 7 :)
Wow, Anne. These are a lot! But here goes…
46: have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
Oh God yes. Everyday. A huge chunk of my daily routine actually involves me moping around and blaming the universe for my ineptitude in almost everything.
09: kiss on the first date?
If you ask me if I’ve ever had a kiss on my first date then no lol.
If you ask me if I’d prefer a kiss on the first date then I’d consider my options.
lol I’d probably scare my date halfway through dinner tbh.
12: is there something you would like to say to someone?
I’m sorry I’ve been a douche to you lately. The fact that you bring out things within me that I didn’t even know existed scares me. Trust me, this is not who I am.
13: what are three things you did today?
17: what is on your wrists right now?
Absolutely nothing. I am usually seen with my signature red watch on my left wrist and my lucky but unluckily worn-out bracelet on my right. But as of now I’m not wearing any of them.
22: can you do the alphabet in sign language?
Yup. This is one of those things I am decently skilled in. While most people pride themselves with their incredible talent of spinning long metal chains set ablaze, I pride myself with my talent of hand signing the alphabet.
07: have you kissed anybody in the last five days?
Considering how poorly I fare in the department of love, it would come as a surprise to most people if I answered this with a yes. So no.
06: where do you think your best friend is right now?
I like to believe that I have a lot of best friends because I consider the friends who are closest to me as my best friends even if they don’t consider me as one. But yeah, to answer your question, I have a pretty good feeling that most of them are at their respective homes right now at this time of the night.
11: are you seriously happy with where you are in life?
I really can’t say. I’m at this point of my life where I’m still trying to figure out a lot of things about myself. In retrospect, I did get through a lot of shit successfully though so I guess that’s reason enough for me to be happy?
15: what is your favorite kind of gum?
This is the most random question I’ve received, but I guess I favor Doublemint because it’s minty and it really gets the job done in the morning when your breath starts to smell of the breakfast you just recently (and quite hastily) ate in the car.
I actually had to do a Google search regarding the conversion of pounds to pesos. I found that they’re about 1000 pesos? I have poor Math skills lol. Since I’m a ridiculously impulsive buyer and seeing that it’s been given for no apparent reason, then I guess I’d spend it mostly on books and then maybe on some trivial things like fake Ray-ban glasses and whatnot.
01: tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now? 02: what on your body is hurting or bothering you? 03: what was your last thought before going to bed last night? 04: what are you listening to? 05: what’s something you’re not looking forward to? 06: where do you think your best friend is right now? 07: have you kissed anybody in the last five days? 08: sex on the first date? 09: kiss on the first date? 10: is there one person you want to be with right now? 11: are you seriously happy with where you are in life? 12: is there something you would like to say to someone? 13: what are three things you did today? 14: would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over? 15: what is your favorite kind of gum? 16: are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends? 17: what is on your wrists right now? 18: ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with? 19: does anyone have strong feelings for you? 20: are you slowly drifting away from someone? 21: have you ever wasted your time on someone? 22: can you do the alphabet in sign language? 23: how have you felt today? 24: you receive £60 without any reason, what do you spend it on? 25: what is wrong with you right now? 26: is there anyone you’re really disappointed in? 27: would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now? 28: why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore? 29: how late did you stay up last night and why? 30: when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? 31: what were you doing an hour ago? 32: what are you looking forward to in the next month? 33: are you wearing jeans right now? 34: are you a patient person? 35: do you think you can last in a relationship for three months? 36: favorite color? 37: did you have a dream last night? 38: are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? 39: if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be? 40: do you love anyone who is not related to you? 41: if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? 42: do you like meeting new people? 43: are you afraid of falling in love? 44: ever self-harmed or starved yourself? 45: has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? 46: have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
Today, both of our hands were locked together in a loving gesture as we sat on a bench overlooking a large lake stretched to the horizon. It was pure bliss having your head pressed gently against my chest and your back resting comfortably in my arms. You were asleep and I was examining every detail of your captivating face. For a moment, no words were exchanged. We were simply stuck in that enclosed shell of passion and warmth for what seemed like a long period of time. I dared not disturb you from the peaceful slumber you were in, but as I was admiring the beautiful glow of your face against the warm radiance of the sun, I had suddenly noticed your eyes shoot up and look straight into mine — it was filled with genuine happiness while mine looked completely surprised. You smiled and hummed a “hello” which danced around beautifully in my ears. The resplendent harmony of your voice quite simply took my breath away. The song of the birds in the background instantly faded away at the smooth release of your voice. You detached your hands from mine and turned to face me directly. I felt my ears flush red and you suddenly giggled at me for probably looking like some sort of inane elf with horribly inflamed ears. You carefully took my hand like it was a valuable object of some sort that would easily break under pressure, but I know you knew it was always that way with me. I was fragile and you were the cautious case that held me tightly. You placed my hand on your chest and I felt your heart beat steadily in its cavity. We looked at each other for what seemed like forever and I easily got lost in your eyes. You told me to hold you tighter than ever, and I nodded sheepishly at your request. I slowly took control of my arms and wrapped it snugly around your body. With nothing more than a soft sigh, you rested your head against my chest, closed your eyes and fell under the spell of sleep once again. All the time I was thinking of how beautiful you were and how beautiful we must have looked in this moment — warm, serene, unperturbed — and for once, I was actually content.
The way I see it, it’s just sad and it’s a serious cry for help. Yes, sometimes competition can be healthy because it drives us to work to our fullest potential, but when it gets out of hand, it’s just plain destructive and it puts you in a very sorry position.
I have this classmate who has an extremely competitive spirit. Like, she suddenly takes on this fierce persona when it comes to competitions, and it’s clearly evident on her face that shit’s about to go down. She takes everything way too seriously and sometimes it can be a very huge advantage when it comes to working in teams, but sometimes she can be very threatening when she’s working alone because she tends to shut out everything else and concentrate fully on attaining that desired goal (which in her own terms translates to being more superior than everyone else).
I am not trying to deface this certain classmate of mine on the internet — that most certainly is not my purpose for publishing this post — because the truth is I tend to be competitive too sometimes, and more often than not, it tends to get out of hand fast. I just want to point out how much competition affects performance because it adds spice to the things we do, but we should not let it get the best of us. We should never forget that there are more important things like camaraderie and the simple satisfaction of achievement no matter how small it is because I believe these things will also help you towards achieving that desired goal.
Me and my neighbors have the best, albeit unusual, conversations. On some nights, we chat about the most meaningless things like the ratio of delicious jelly bellies to the unpalatable ones and on other nights we talk about things that actually make sense.
Last night, we talked about the future and I have to say, it was the most profound conversation I’ve had with my neighbors in a long time. We talked about how much everything would change in a couple of years and if we’d still be friends after we’d graduate college, have jobs and—if fate permits—a family.
Personally, I could not be more scared of what the future holds. It’s just so full of uncertainty and haze. I’ve never really been one to dive into something I do not have full understanding of. To be quite frank and simple, I’m not a reckless daredevil. Before I go into something, I am sure to conduct a detailed research just to give myself a clear overview of what I’m really getting myself into. With the future, that’s pretty impossible. Furthermore, I am honestly not reassured by the fact that every choice I’ve made in my life will eventually affect my self in the future. You see, I have bad decision-making skills. It’s not that I’m saying that all the choices I’ve made in my life have been bad, it’s just that I don’t really fare well in the department of choosing. I am quite literally the worst person to ask for a second opinion. All these things aside, the fact of the matter still holds true — the future is daunting and facing it would be an altogether difficult and somehow perilous challenge.
It helps however to have friends who, although are also fazed by the future, will assure you that they will not let you face it alone. Because even if your choices might end up failing you and it’ll probably lead you to a life of waiting tables in a diner, these people will surely be right there beside you to help you pick yourself up and carry on.
Tonight, a very close friend of mine asked me (over Twitter) if fate is determined by choice or by chance. This was a topic I had not really expected to be so invested in on a night such as this, but then again isn’t the universe just full of surprises?
So, is fate determined by choice or by chance? Well, I’d like to believe that fate is determined by equal parts of both choice and chance.
In life, we are faced with all these decisions that we have to make. These decisions — no matter how small or trivial — will ultimately affect the outcome of situations in the greater scheme of things. With choice, it’s a cause and effect kind of thing. I’d like to think that my fate was sealed when I made the choice to express myself by writing and publishing my words on the internet. Then again, it was by chance that I got into blogging, when I accidentally stumbled upon a well-written blog and ultimately fell in love with the meaningful expression of words and sentiments. Hours later, I backread through half of the blog. I was so moved by what I read that I decided to make my own blog, and now here I am.
Chance has always played a huge part in destiny — it’s clearly evident in those romantic movies we see. 500 Days of Summer is a very good example of a chance-determined destiny. It was purely by chance that Summer Finn had been employed at the greeting card company where Tom Hansen was working and it was simply by chance that he happened to bump into her in an elevator at work while he had The Smiths blaring from his earphones. It was by chance that these two individuals who shared a mutual love for The Smiths were in an elevator on that significant morning of spring. Both of them were just at the right place at the right time. It was chance.
Destiny is pretty much determined by the tango between choice and chance because sometimes our choices lead to chances and our chances lead to choices. So yeah, maybe it was my choice to become fully invested in this topic and chances are I might receive tremendous feedback on this lengthy but substantial post. Well, I don’t know really.
A screenshot from a video we made of us singing a song we originally composed for one of our dear friends to let her know how much we love her… and how sorry we were that we actually forgot to greet her on her special day!
It’s really quite embarrassing because this has been the second time this year that I’ve forgotten a birthday. Yup, it’s probably safe to add my extensive forgetfulness of birthdays to the many ~endearing~ traits I possess. Although I believe school might have played a small part as to why I keep forgetting these important moments of my friends’ lives.
What I lack in memory however, I compensate with my extreme cheeziness. Ergo, this song and video was produced to atone for me and my friends’ lack of excellent memory. Thankfully, our friend loved it to tears. She was so moved by the song and the video that she in turn composed a rather lengthy comment thanking us for all the work we put just to let her know how sorry we were. It was very heartwarming to know that what we did actually made a difference. It was all the more heartwarming knowing that we just pleased someone who is not at all very easy to please. That in itself was a great achievement for us.
Maybe next time, I’ll think twice about forgetting birthdays. Or maybe I won’t?
The truth is you wanted to know the truth and you should have known from the very start that knowing the truth would beget dire consequences. Feelings would be hurt, words would be exchanged, and blows would be struck — both physically and emotionally. You should have known that there’s a special price to pay for knowing too much and that alone should have been a good enough reason for you to leave the curious cat inside the box, up until you were ready enough to take the pure, unadulterated truth of course.
But the truth is you really hurt a lot of people. I already knew how much damage you could deal with your subtle side glances and your painstaking silence, but the others, they never had the slightest hint as to how much hurt you could bring. You took the most fragile of hearts and crushed it beneath your icy cold palm. I thought (and I still do think) it was really inconsiderate of you to overpass the people who stuck by you for God-knows-how-long-it-has-been. I mean, who in the world actually forgets the people who has been with them for most of their damn teenage life? How do you go a day not being consumed with guilt knowing that you ignored the people whose shoulders you cried on for countless times or whose minds you’ve flooded with stories that aren’t even very relevant to their lives? Yes, you say you’ve matured and we are legitimately happy that you’ve moved on and found yourself completely satisfied under the wing of fresh company and new peers, but it doesn’t really hurt to look back and reconnect every once in a while now doesn’t it? Have you even come to the realization that you’ve unknowingly shut out of your life the people who held on to you so strongly in theirs? If not, then I think you need a serious values clarification.
The truth is I’m honestly disappointed at you for overlooking all of this. If you were actually a logical and properly rational human being then you should have known by the conspicuous signs we were throwing that we were actually ready to reconcile and that a simple “sorry” that would have surfaced from you would have automatically warranted an overly enthusiastic “we forgive you” and everything would have been fine right then and there.
But the truth is even a 7-year old child could read the signs. You were given a very clear chance to settle the score, but even that you overlooked. Now that the dust has settled, I guess you now know where you stand.
I hope you realize that the simple truth of it all is that you messed up really badly and it’s really just your call now. I’m sorry you had to know, but that’s just it — the truth fucking hurts.
Well, technically speaking, semestral break started last Monday, but seeing as how our course demands more from us, we had a one week extension of classes. It was one week of extended pressure. We had to attend to a lot of paperworks. And while the completion of one requirement gave us a slight sense of delight, the fact that there were a lot more paperworks to deal with was constantly looming over our heads and it was deeply unsettling. I suppose the thought of the other college folks enjoying their sembreak gave us more drive than distaste. I’m just thankful I got through this week in one piece.
So what of my plans for this sembreak, you might have asked? Well, first order of business is SLEEP — lots and lots of glorious rest and sleep. I’m basically going to be stocking up on all the nights I lost myself to notes, handouts, and really confusing diagrams of sensory innervations and plexuses. Those nights were terribly unbearable, but thank God for caffeine and motivation!
But I won’t be needing large doses of caffeine for this sembreak. Nosiree! This hiatus is going to be lovingly spent in the comfort of my own bed, maybe paired with a good book and episodes of my favorite TV shows. Also, I’m going to try my hardest to give most of my attention to this blog. It’s been so long since my last update, and now that I’m completely bereft of my scholarly responsibilities, I’m afraid I’ve lost some of my blogging mojo. I’m just hoping that the god of blogging has noticed that I’m on a break and I’m ready to get back on the blogging bandwagon — the blogwaggon.
Aside from being so overwhelmed with joy that the semester has drawn to a close and that I’m not seeing my aircon-shaped school for another 2 weeks, there’s still the daunting feeling of the next semester fast approaching and the fact that it’s a gajillion times more challenging and harder than the semester that just closed. I dared not think about the subjects I would be facing next semester, but it’s inevitable. At least I still have these few weeks of sembreak to ready myself for what’s coming.
School might have been a pain and, I’ll admit, I found my classmates intolerable at some point, but at the end of the day I’ll truly miss it all.
The examiner asks as he eyes me curiously. His eyes are filled with intense vigor and he has a stern expression plastered on his face. He seems like the type of person who doesn’t enjoy long romantic walks down the beach, rainbows and unicorns, and other whimsical, childish stuff.
I scrutinize the room I am in—doing everything I can to avoid the death gaze of the examiner. I am sitting on a chair in a circular room. All around me I see accents of black and white and a congregation of people filled with an equal level of curiosity encircling my seat. It almost seems like I am in a ring-shaped courtroom except there is no judge clutching on to a gavel like his life depended on it. No, I have this creepy examiner guy instead. How exciting.
I look at my watch and realize that it’s 30 minutes after three. 30 minutes. Exactly 30 minutes has passed since I first stepped into this room; 30 minutes since I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety as I saw the throng of people gathered around me; 30 minutes since I saw a man in a black suit enter the room, carrying a syringe in his hand…
Almost immediately, I put my hand on the left side of my neck and I flinch at the sudden sting that surfaces as I pulsate the area. It was just 30 minutes ago when the man in the black suit injected me with a silver-colored liquid. I recall the examiner informing me that the man is injecting me with high-class truth serum and that I need not worry because it doesn’t have any major side effects. The examiner also told me that the interview wouldn’t take too long, but I failed to find comfort in his words what with the tone of his voice and his facial expression.
I snap back into reality. The examiner is still staring at me with his fierce eyes, but coupled with an annoyed expression this time. For the whole duration of the interview, I notice that I have been spacing out a lot. Also, I’ve been feeling quite dizzy. This must be a minor side effect. Or maybe it’s just me?
"Wha—what?" I readjust my glasses for the umpteenth time (I tend to do that a lot when I’m very nervous) and stare back at the examiner.
"What is your deepest regret? Please stay with us so we can finish this interview!" The examiner is practically shouting at me now.
"Um," I say and scan the room once again. The number of people around me is so overwhelming that I almost wince with discomfort, but then I see you. I found it pretty peculiar that, in a sea of people completely engrossed on my every move, you had your head turned down and you seemed to avoid looking at me.
Just then, my right arm flies up and I’m surprised to see that it’s pointing directly at you. Voices fill the room and everyone’s heads turn towards you. You looked up and a shocked expression immediately appeared on your face.
"Her!" I blurt out. As badly as I want to spare myself from further humiliation, I find that I am completely unable to control my emotions and my words. The truth serum has taken over my body.
"Why is that so?" The examiner asks and I notice a slight sparkle in his eyes. He’s enjoying this. He is enjoying my pain.
I once again pulsate my left neck just to bring back the sting of the needle insertion. I focus on that pain just to dull out the embarrassment that is slowly taking over my system. I am completely fazed, but I try to regain my composure and respond to the examiner’s question smoothly.
"It’s because, back when we were together, I failed to realize what was right and I let her go because of my stupidity. I failed to show her how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I failed to tell her the things I needed to say the most and just easily eschewed those little moments we had together. And up to this day, those things haunt me."
My head is throbbing and I am overcome with a feeling of absolute dizziness. Silence engulfs the whole room and blank expressions register on everyone’s faces. I, however, feel some sense of triumph and relief for having let out what has choked me up for so long.
"Thank you for your honesty!" I hear someone shout. Suddenly, the whole room is filled with an equal uproar of gratitude for my truthfulness. Out of the corner of my eye, I see you smiling from ear to ear at me and at my bravery for doing this interview even though I knew very well the consequences in doing so.
My head is aching so badly now—I can barely move without being swamped with pain—and I am severely light-headed, but I still manage to carry on when I notice a hand on my shoulder and a familiar face positioned directly across mine.
The examiner looks at me with a pleased expression. He manages to flash me a small smile—almost a smirk—and says earnestly, “Thank you for your honesty. The interview is over. You can now relax.”
A photo obviously showing me proudly holding the book Insurgent to the lower half of my face while absentmindedly covering the first three letters of the title with my fingers.
Yup. The photo above is a close depiction of my life right now—urgent. Because everything in my life has been going by so rapidly and I feel like it (life) has been demanding more from me with each second that passes.
I, of course, am again talking like the metaphorical blogger that I always have been.
Starting today up to the day these glasses break (or are considered inefficient), I am officially bespectacled. Now I can go romping around under the false pretense that I am extensively intelligent and I pride myself with my arsenal of facts.
That of course, among all other things, is a stereotype that society has stamped onto people with glasses.
I, however, also have braces and wear pretty dorky clothes so I’m not really sure what to make of that?
In school related matters, me and my classmates went to school early today just to find out that we would only be having classes for our last subject (which was at about 5pm). Good glob, school makes it easier for us to save our money (note the heavy sarcasm that is applied here). We however watched the championship match for our department’s volleyball team and I’m proud to say that our men’s volleyball team won the championship game. As a reward, our teacher decided to cancel our 5pm classes. So basically, we went to school in our complete uniform, just to watch a volleyball championship match. I swear our professors can be such trolls.
For the past few days, I have been indulging myself in books and to tell you frankly, I have been loving every single minute of it. Just being by myself in a room, with nothing but a book in my hands and maybe some music to set the atmosphere, is just so relieving. Maybe that’s because books provide this sort of escape from reality and maybe that’s just what I’ve been gravely in need of for the past few days weeks.
Me and my father had a “vocab challenge” a few days ago. It’s basically this game we made up where we throw each other random and very uncommon words and see who could go the farthest in defining the words we throw at each other. We just wanted to see who among the two of us was more gifted in the vocabulary department. Apparently, my dad knows a great number of “otherworldly words” (as how I’d like to call it) so I lost. It’s all good though because he promised to give me the Harry Potter box set as a consolation.
And what do I give him for winning? A grunt because I could not bear to accept my defeat. It’s weird, but me and my dad have this relationship where we can totally treat each other like friends-verging-on-becoming-frenemies and get away with it because when it all comes down to it, we’re both pretty immature.
My dad did share to me this one word that really caught my attention: cynosure—it means center of attraction. I don’t know, but it’s just one of those words that don’t really seem so interesting until you say it over and over again or if you hear someone else say it. I mean, am I right? Cynosure. Cynosure. Say it with me now: CY. NO. SURE.
I am pretty much stuck in this “Insurgent phase” even after having finished reading the book. Yes, the book was so—for lack of a better word—awesomazing? I cannot even begin to describe it. It’s mysterious, that’s for sure. I feel like, the whole time I was reading the book, I was being tested on my decision-making skills. I obviously fail in that department because I tried to put myself in the shoes of the protagonist and if I would’ve made the calls, the book could have just easily ended by chapter 3 or so? I am highly inept in making choices. How depressing of me.
Also, the earth shook for about 20 seconds tonight. I thought I was getting dizzy because I took my glasses off during the earthquake, but I guess I wasn’t. I was very scared and I think after that last earthquake incident, I wouldn’t want another one to happen very soon.
So I guess this is where I end my babble because this post has become considerably lengthy.
It’s the moment between sunset and night—the moment after the sun sinks into the horizon, just before the whole sky is completely shrouded in a blanket of stars and darkness. It’s the pause after every verse in a song, right before the lines of the chorus break in. It’s every punctuation mark denoting the thorough break of words in the sentence. It’s the space between each paragraph, indicating the end and the beginning of the next group of sentences. It’s every tick of the smallest hand of the clock consciously reminding you of the constant run of time. It’s the space separating your eyes, the yellow signal on the traffic light, the commercials cutting in between the TV programs. It’s the it that gives sense to things and keeps them from falling apart. It is the in-between.
You may have not given much attention to these things because they seem like such trivial matters to you, but in reality, they are actually as important as the word important itself. They are the medium, the mediators, the pillars that hold. They are like the titan Atlas who, in Mythology, was known for crucially and painstakingly holding the Heavens above the Earth. Just like Atlas, without these things, structures would crumble and everything would be very disorienting. Every sentence would just run on and on without those hefty punctuation marks now, wouldn’t they? And what even would you make of a face that is completely devoid of a space between the eyes? They give meaning to the structure and order to the scheme, and although they can be the tiniest detail (like the smallest thread of the shirt), they are just as significant as everything else.
I remember I was running under the heavy rain, searching for… something. I wasn’t quite sure of it at first—what it was I was looking for, I mean—but I was gravely searching for it. I needed to find it so badly, like my whole existence depended on finding that something. It must have been very important because as I was running, albeit the rain, my face was filled with a warm, liquid substance. I was sure it wasn’t the drops of rain pelting my face because the liquid substance was running down from my eyes. I was crying. The tears poured down so heavily just like the rain and I found my vision blurring from the tears that filled my eyes. Just as instantly as it would fall would another batch refill. Nevertheless, I was running and crying and searching, when suddenly…
You appeared a short distance away from me. Well, maybe not too short, but not too far away also. You seemed to materialize out of the little droplets of rain that fell from the sky—or was it just my eyes playing a trick on me? I don’t know, my eyes were pretty weary from extensively crying and searching. You were standing on a hill, and you had your back turned to me. As I recall, you were wearing a white dress that ran from the whole frame of your body to your feet. I wasn’t sure if it was you I was looking for because I didn’t really feel anything different in me. “I guess she’s not the one, let’s keep moving,”I thought to myself, but then you turned and I saw your face and your full figure.
Your two hands were extended towards me and on your palms were two items that I could clearly make out in the distance: a gold ring and a red letter adorned with a pink ribbon. Your eyes had this hopeful look in it, like you had been expecting someone all along, and your smile had this playful hint to it. Just as suddenly, my body felt warm under the harsh cold of the rain and I felt my feet move rapidly towards you. I was running again, but I wasn’t crying anymore… I was smiling. I could feel my eyes fill, not with tears, but with strong passion towards you. “It was you,” I convinced myself. Strangely enough, as I ran, the rain dissolved and the skies brightened and birds suddenly came out from nowhere and chirped their lovely bird songs. As I came very close to approaching you, I noticed the huge arc above you, beautifully festooned with flowers, and bells, and other colorful accessories. When I looked back, a whole audience materialized in front of me, and in it, were my whole family and my close friends happily cheering me on. I was quite confused, but I kept running until I reached the top of the hill.
Your warm presence filled my heart with so much joy, I started to cry again. Tears of joy, I guess. I was crying, but you just gave me a comforting smile, the one that a mother gives to her child every time he commits a mistake and cries. I looked at the objects on your hands and gave you a quizzical look. You nodded and gestured for me to take them. I took the gold ring first, and examined its appearance. It was simple, but beautiful in form. Behind the body, I found the words “until forever" engraved onto it. A fuzzy feeling suddenly filled me. I stared at you and gave you the biggest smile I could muster. I must have looked like a kid smiling without qualms after being given a whole pack of candy to consume. You gestured towards the letter and I took it without hesitation. I looked at you before I opened the letter. Your eyes lit up and your smile was undoubtedly amazing. I looked to the audience and saw that they were pretty much on the edge of their seats now. I unlatched the ribbon that was fastened on the opening of the letter, opened the envelope, slipped off the paper, and—
There’s this book that used to be shelved in our local bookstore that I kept returning to for a countless number of times. I don’t think I intended on buying the book (because it was pretty expensive for my pockets), but it has always struck my interest. I stumbled upon it while I was looking for a new notebook and I thought it was strange that the book was placed in the notebook section. When I found it, it wasn’t packed in the tight plastic wrap that they usually festoon books with in bookstores. Nope, it was freely opened and the fact that its pages were crumpled and its cover was completely beat up was evidence enough that many people have skimmed through it. I started to read it and I found that it was pretty good. I mean, it’s not a very badly written book, but it’s not also the best book out there. It’s just there, in the line that separates it from the bests and the worsts. It’s just average, I guess. But every time I visited that book shop, I was always drawn to that book. It’s like the very pages of it calls out to me in an irresistible voice that haunts me every time I pass the shelf where the book was housed in. And I must say, that book never failed to entertain me. It always seemed to tap into my inner feelings and invoke them. I don’t really understand how it happens, but it just does and it leaves me enthralled every time. Every trip to that bookshop was not complete without me reading that book.
And I guess that’s also the case with you. We stumbled upon each other randomly in the most absurd place, at a very strange moment in time—the kindergarten playground, in the middle of PE class (yes I may have played hooky that time). You were sitting on a brightly-colored swing, your eyes seemed to be in deep thought. I remember approaching you stealthily, like a very careful thief sneaking around, because I was scared that you might burst into a fit of hysteria, but you seemed unmoved by my presence. You just simply looked at me and gestured towards the empty swing beside you. I remember talking to you and having a swell time listening to your stories. I was very much captivated by how very intently you listened to me when I talked, like every word that came out of my mouth mattered. I remember going back to that place for countless number of times and finding you there in your usual daze. Just your simple presence reassured me and made me feel entirely happy. I remember you telling me that you were single and how my heart must have beat 50 times per second in my chest. It was quite absurd really how one so beautiful didn’t have a battalion of lovers following her every movement. It’s funny how I kept going back to that playground and how I must have looked terribly strange back then, sitting on a very small swing talking to you and depriving the poor kindergartners the privilege of their swing set. It’s like, my whole day was never complete if I never got the chance to spend time with you in our usual rendezvous point.
Looking back, I must say, I was a fool to have let you go. I mean, not really taking the risk to actually ask you out or buy you (for the case of the book) was a really stupid thing for me to do. Because every time I return to that place where you used to sit (or stand) I find that it is completely bereft of your presence. All that’s left is me and that space indicating where you used to be, mocking me of my mistake. And up to this very day, those regrets are stamped onto my head. I am, however, hoping that you’ve found a new swing set and a new partner to talk to or a new owner who’s going to read you and never get bored with you. Because maybe you deserve someone who is willing to take the risks I never took with you.
If I am to impart to you some information on how to get to where I am (or rather, we are) today, it’s this: Stop worrying and do what you keep doing.
Now, I know the thought won’t really make sense to you as of now, but eventually it will sink in. Just try to live in the moment. Stop worrying about what will happen. Because the future? It will come and it is surely going to be a destination worth waiting for. What matters right now, however, is how you make the most out of the moment you are currently in. So don’t shy away from the slightest hint of an opportunity. Meet new people, create strong bonds, unleash your inner potential. Because even though these things might intimidate you and make you think of these favorable circumstances as the opposite of what it really is, chances are they won’t and you taking the chance to grab that opportunity mightwill open doors for many more opportunities for you. So, go.
Also past self, don’t fret if there are certain obstacles along the way because, sooner or later, you will find countless ways around those obstacles and you will claim victory in saying that you got through the supposedly hard hurdles that were set before you. (Because if you think that Biology exam you’re worried about for tomorrow is hard, then wait ‘til you get a load of Gross Anatomy and Physiology. It will honestly have your brain cells in a jumble!) You’re a smart kid though (we both know that) so navigating through this crazy rollercoaster ride called life will prove to be just a mere bicycle trip around the block to you.
You know what else? You will be involved in a lot of things you are not quite sure why you dived into but will pretty much make some great impacts in your life. Among these things are being a part of your department’s student council (which you will ultimately have mixed feelings of love and distaste for), actually developing a proper study habit (a very noble act for you), driving & getting a license, and writing. Yes, you will start writing again, just like when we were young—back when we first tapped our curious little fingers on the keyboard because it made really great clicking sounds. Only later on did we become fully amazed by the stories that would easily overflow from our fingertips when we smoothly handled the keyboard. But you will write because it will be your sanctuary for when you just feel like talking to someone who would love to listen and not judge you based on your feelings. The pen and the paper will be your closest friends as well as Tumblr and a Thesaurus.
In the department of love, we’re still pretty much barren after our last heartbreak, but I’m sure that that "someone" is out there waiting for us.
I really hope I could share many more things to you about The Glorious Future, but this is pretty much where I have to wrap everything up. I do hope your journey will be successful. I can’t assure you that everything will be smooth sailing though because there will always be bumps along the way, but I can assure you that things will get better.